Il finito of MARGO RISING

On this bittersweet day, I announce I’ve finished the last of the Sweet Valley High books. It was a project I’d devoted more than a year to (perhaps I shouldn’t admit that out loud) and I have reached my goal of reading and recapping them all well ahead of Jan. 1, 2010.

I’d like to thank the library’s inter-library loan system, Bookmooch, eBay for getting my collection started, book fairs, the Salvation Army and Francine Pascal for coming up with such a ridonculous premise in the first place.

Thanks especially to everyone who read/s this blog–though the posts will be much fewer, hopefully you’ll keep coming back for a dose of bratty, slang-heavy Sweet Valley snark!

“That is the stupidest story I’ve ever heard, and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Now I can say that with authority!

Diablo Cody’s “Sweet Valley High” Movie

“This could be terrible or amazing,” so declares the title of the 1bruce1 post that announces that Juno scriptwriter Diablo Cody wants adapt SVH for the big screen. I must concur.

First of all, I have a like/hate relationship with Juno, but I’m not really weighing that here, although it does lend Cody street cred. Overall, however, I can’t see how the SVH movie could be done and be good, or even so bad it’s good. (I hope for the latter, truthfully.)

I think it’s too soon to take a stance because I don’t know what direction this project will take. Will it be full of campy, John Hughes-worthy ’80s goodness, or will it have a “Gossip Girl” spin? Will the sheer dumbness of the series be present? I would hope, as I don’t think I have the capability to take anything SVH-related seriously. (Please see “Easy Access” for examples.)

Then there’s the matter of who the cast will be. If Blake fucking Lively is cast as a twin, I’ll barf. I can’t stand most young actors today–no one seems worthy! Zac Efron as Todd. Gag me, y’all.

Sweet Valley High has been re-released and failed. There’s been a TV show that was meh. What will an SVH movie do for us? I can’t even fathom what the plot would be. Will Liz and Todd break up five thousand times? Will Regina die after a Bruce Patman-inspired coke binge? Will Jess make out with a vampire? Will Liz get kidnapped and conked on the head by a murderous psycho on multiple occasions, or will she almost die on Todd’s motorcycle? Will Sam Woodruff die after one sweet sip of Magic Punch at the prom? Will there be a pool push? Will Margo finally win the day? There’s just way too much ground to cover. But I bet you anything there’ll be a dance.

Story here.

“Working Girls”

(Originally aired January 9, 1995)

* Photo credit to hellobrisvegas *

It’s Career Week at Sweet Valley High, and Liz and Todd Wilkins both get internships at the Sweet Valley Tribune, and Todd gripes because he has to review “Dreamgirls” and Liz gripes because she has to write about sports and they play hockey for no reason in the middle of the SVH hallway during the montage that’s basically all that happens with them. Moving right along…

“Love on the Line”

(Originally aired January 2, 1995)

* Photo credit to hellobrisvegas *

Todd SMASH!

Today, we’ve one of my favorite SVH eppies: “Love on the Line” (no relation to Murder on the Line), which is a reimagining of My Best Friend’s Boyfriend, only without those pesky non-Wakefieldian characters.

“Stolen Diary”

(Originally aired December 12, 1994)

Today’s cautionary tale addresses what happens when you leave Jessica Wakefield alone and up to her own devices for too long.

“Poetic Injustice”

(Originally aired December 5, 1994)

And I thought the montages couldn’t get any lamer. The New Jessica + Teacher Crush + Playing for Keeps = this hot mess.

“Club X”

(Originally aired November 28, 1994)

Hooray! One of my favorite Bruce Patman/Jessica Wakefield Brat Offs, massacred!

“Photographic Evidence”

(Originally aired November 21, 1994)

In today’s episode, we will be viewing a visual interpretation of Regina’s Legacy, only without Regina, and without a legacy. Then again, Regina’s Legacy lacked those things too, so I won’t hold too big of a grudge against the show.

The Last to Go

All right, y’all, it’s getting down to the wire. This is what’s left to read, recap and tear a new one:

53 – Second Chance
74 – The Perfect Girl
81 – Rosa’s Lie
89 – Elizabeth Betrayed
91 – In Love With A Prince
94 – Are We In Love?
112 – Jessica Quits The Squad
114 – “V” For Victory
116 – Nightmare In Death Valley
131 – Fashion Victim
134 – Happily Ever After
140 – Please Forgive Me
142 – The Big Night

Jessica Takes Manhattan
Mystery Date
Last Wish
Earthquake
Aftershock

A Killer On Board
“R” For Revenge

Elizabeth’s Secret Diary
Jessica’s Secret Diary
Elizabeth’s Secret Diary, Vol. III
Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. III

Eep! Twenty-four left. This is serious biz. I don’t know whether to applaud myself or cry knowing that I’ve read 160-some SVH books. Which will be the last book I read? I’m curious myself.

To see those aforementioned 160-some recaps, prance on over to Easy Access for the full listing.

Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 9: Most Memorable Minority

…Hmm.

There’s Annie Whitman’s stepsister Cheryl, whose only claim to fame was for dating the twins’ brother Steven for fifteen seconds. There’s Jade Wu, the dancer of Chinese ancestry who betrays her old-school family to perform in the talent show and win the adoration of her peers at SVH. There’s Manuel Lopez, who saves the life of his girlfriend but she still won’t tell her prejudiced parents that they’re dating until he’s about to be hauled off to jail. Patty Gilbert did some stuff. But the most memorable minority in the world according to Sweet Valley High is: