#90 - Don't Go Home With John

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I love the dramatic title of this story but, as could be expected, this book made me uncomfy! I feel like this cover is a snapshot of some dance move — and angry dance move. WTF is up with John Pfeifer? He used to be really cute! I guess SVH artists aren’t allowed to make potential date rapists look attractive. Don’t anyone try to tell me he can pass for a teenager. He looks like a drunk, middle-aged workaholic. BTW: Moar pearlz!

Lately Lila Fowler has been noticing how all her friends are coupled up while she remains single, but she has high hopes for herself these days: Oracle sports editor John Pfeifer has his eye on her, and she likes his serious intensity. They have an awesome time on their first date and wind up at Miller’s Point — Lila clearly didn’t read The Rules beforehand. Still, that doesn’t excuse John for attempting to RAPE her in his car! She escapes and flings his car keys over the cliff (after stabbing him in the neck with them), and spends the weekend hiding from the world/crying in her bed. The following week at school isn’t that much better, and no one knows what her deal is because she won’t tell them, but they all know something is up because she’s wearing sweats and no makeup. No wayz! Not Lila!

All hell breaks loose the next weekend at Lila’s costume bash when John shows up with a chick in a fuzzy bunny costume (read: BIMBO) after Lila explicitly uninvited him. He goes to leave with his bimbette, but Lila flips out and begs the girl not to leave with him, and everyone overhears her accuse him of rape. Lila runs up to her room and cries, and it’s safe to say that party has been effectively ruined. She does feel better about saying something — until she gets to school and many people treat her like she has the plague. They all believe John since he’s such a “nice guy” and Lila is such a “flirt.” Meanwhile, John is acting like a grade-A douche bag, knowing that everyone’s backing him.

Speaking of safety in numbers, just when Lila has given up all hope, sophomore Susan Wyler approaches her and confesses that John tried to pull the same date-rapey shit with her. Lila arranges a meeting with John at the Dairi Burger, and everyone is around, and John is acting all cocky and disgusting… until Susan shows up and they both confront him. THEN everyone believes Lila, and think John is a P.O.S. The story ends with John and Lila seeking counseling, which is frustrating, because I thought John winding up in a body cast after a suspicious fall down a flight of stairs would’ve be more apropos.

In the meantime, Jess and Sam Woodruff have the Roman hands and Russian fingers, and Jess is constantly fretting that she’s going to lose control and give her “flower” away. Get your kicks in while you can, Jess! (They argue about what they’re going to wear to Lila’s party, and when Jess begs to be Romeo and Juliet, he’s like, “Dying’s one thing. Wearing tights is another.” NOES! Don’t say that, Sam!) They make out in his car all the time and Jess feels herself “slipping away” — thank you, Francine/ghostwriter, for that confusing euphemism to protect my innocent mind. They decide to be “just friends” until they cool their jets and agree to go to Lila’s party as Han Solo and Princess Leia — yes, they’re dressed as nearly every boy’s sexual fantasy and they’re “just friends.” (PINE for when Sam’s helping Jess pin her costume together and murmurs in her ear, “I’ll pin you up any time you want.” Ee! I didn’t know Sweet Valley High had it in it! Now I want Sam.) After all the Lila business occurs, Jess realizes that she’s worrying for nothing and she and Sam decide to be boyfren and girlfren again. But they still don’t hump.

Other Notes:

· Lila initially wants to dress for her party as Princess Diana or Marie Antoinette — apparently any dead socialite will do.
· Liz and Todd have a fight! This is surprising news. At first it’s over their couple costume to Lila’s bash (Todd wants them to be a horse, Liz wants to go as George and Martha Washington — BARF), and then Todd gets jealous of Liz’s pen pal, Prince Arthur (“You can’t convince me he’s writing to you so much because he wants to use up his Christmas stationery”). They get their act together by the story’s end, fear not!
· In Starting Over, Dana Larson was giving her cousin Sally shit for hanging out with Liz, and in this story, she’s eating lunch with the Wakefield twin (and of course there was the whole Love Bet episode). What’s the deal, Larson?
· “Lila and Elizabeth had never been particularly friendly — in fact, they were usually particularly unfriendly…” My question is this: When? I hear this line all the time but have never seen the girls act frosty to each other.