* Photo credit to The Closet *
Here we have Olivia Davidson, who is way more attractive in real life than the book covers would allow you to believe. Perhaps it’s because her wild mane isn’t being tamed by a freaking forty-five rpm.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
NOVEMBER 1995
A decapitated angel ornament! This is muy serioso. As you can see on the inside cover, a knife-wielding Olivia Newton John is sulking out the door while Liz shakes the corpse of her beloved twin Jessica Wakefield. Only Jess isn’t bloody, she just looks like she passed out of boredom from reading one of Liz’s Oracle articles. You heard me, Liz.
It’ll be downright impossible to suspend belief for this WACKY story, but it’s a requirement if you want to get past the first chapter.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
Oh noes! A spooky werehand! I can’t believe not even a single blond strand from a Wakefield head of hair is gracing this cover. Overall, I find it a rather boring front, even if the title’s font is trembling in fear. I hope that that hand isn’t drawn to scale. My dog has bigger paws than that. Read the rest of this entry ?
* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jessica seems afraid that her boobs will be grabbed by the shadow puppeteer, but I’m more frightened by her shapeless T-shirt and her ghastly floral skirt. BTW: Where is the murder? Where is the line? If this series likes beating me over the head with its themes, I expect nothing but very explicit obviousness on the covers.
* Photo credit to The Closet *
Oh. My dear. This is by far the most homosexual cover on any book in the world that pretended to be straight. Actually—with their intense gazes, strategically placed hands caressing each other, and a caption reading “What’s happening between Neil and Andy?” (not to mention the number of the book)—I’m not so sure this cover is pretending to be straight. And I thought this book was about racism!
* Photo credit to The Closet *
I think this is my favorite Sweet Valley High cover, mostly because it doesn’t look like an SVH cover. It looks like the cover for a 1970s movie poster about teen pregnancy. The one with the awesomely feathered hair is Molly Hecht, and I totally think she’s prettier than — dare I say it? — the Wakefield twins. And who are those bitches in the back supposed to be? Whatevs, Molly, you’re better than them.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
Does anyone actually have framed 8×10 glossies of their significant others like this? Perhaps not. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past Bruce Patman to get his photo taken (in an artsy black and white!) and pass them out to all his admirers. And hang one up in his own locker for good measure.
I was expecting a more glamorous lamp to be in Regina Morrow’s room. Hell, I was expecting a more exciting cover altogether, considering this story has a dead teen in it! Unfortch, it ain’t Liz.
* Photo credit to The Closet *
Here we have what seems to be a scene from the “montage of progress” that is sadly missing in Starting Over. There’s Dana Larson, looking like Barbie (of Barbie and the Rockers, after I butchered the doll’s hair and tragically wanted nothing more to do with her), and that poor girl she’s mangling is her cousin Sally Larson. Why have we never heard of this mysterious Sally before? Because 1) Those who live in Sweet Valley like to pull attractive siblings/cousins/etc. out of their assholes, and 2) the Larson family ARE assholes, period. You’ll see.
The cover begs the question, “Will Sally Larson have to change to stay in Sweet Valley?” The answer, of course, is a resounding YES, if she has any sort of personality whatsoever.
* Photo credit to The Closet *
Eep! Another cover with an exclamation points! This is serious.
Oh noes! The same, virtually disembodied hand that kidnapped Liz appears to be making a lunge for Regina, who looks like she ought to be guest starring on The Facts of Life!
