Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

#114 – “V” For Victory

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This is one of the worst SVH covers I’ve ever seen, including the ones where Liz looks like a condescending ho. That blond girl is our focus point yet we get the back of her head—why? Me thinks the artist frakked up the face and didn’t have time to do anything but paint MOAR HAYR and call it the back of her. Shun. The title in the weird, needless block of yellow is beyond unattractive… What was the art department thinking? Maybe they were all like, “We went to the U-of-Arts, and all we’re doing is making SVH covers. All hope is lost.”

#113 – The Pom-Pom Wars

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I have no idea who’s who. It’s like Jessica Wakefield crawled into Calvin’s duplicator and came out wielding pom poms. Perish the thought.

Seriously: WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?!

#112 – Jessica Quits The Squad

* Photo credit to The Closet *

And now what Pop Culture Junk Mail once considered the ultimate SVH title: Jessica Quits the Squad. Now that sounds serious! I can’t imagine the person who picked this up in B. Dalton with a horrified gasp and shrieked, “No wayz! I have got to read this!”

I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve picked this book up after a several-week, SVH drought spent reading classification and cataloging textbooks or if this book is especially retarded, but I think I was cracking up with laughter on every other page. Just look at the cover, at the cheerbitch—Heather Malone—stuffing her pom-poms in Jessica’s shocked face! You just know this has to be good!

Magna Edition: A Night To Remember

* Photo credit to The Closet *

MAY 1993

The prom! How exciting. I am entrusting that SVH will do this up right. Don’t read a later recap before moving through this quintessential, fictional rite of Sweet Valley passage.

In with A Night to Remember rushes the new covers, logo, and formatting, and let me just say that I am not looking forward to reading numbers #95 to fin because — and get this — they look too damn long. The original books were the appropriate length: not only did they tell the story they needed to tell, but they were redundant enough as it was. I cringed at the thought of reading this story — at a hefty 345 pages — and I was a Lit major.

Anyway, so the reign of original cover artist James Mathewuse is over, and Francine and the gang got someone new to create this masterpiece. I’ve always been annoyed at how the two Jessica pictures are exactly alike on the inside cover. As usual, Todd looks a billion years old. Jess still has her wonky little bangs — some things never die…unlike some characters I know. Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself!

#74 – The Perfect Girl

* Photo credit to The Closet *

According to my trained eye, Robin Wilson is probably the foxiest chick to ever grace the cover of a Sweet Valley High book. You heard me, twins! I also want her “SV” jersey shirt, like, today.

#70 – Ms. Quarterback

* Photo credit to The Closet *

What’s weird is if you look closely, you can see an outline of a short, boyish haircut atop Claire Middleton’s head – perhaps a shorter style was used in the original artwork and then vetoed for being too lesbianesque? I vote a huge YES.

Super Edition: Winter Carnival

* Photo credit to The Closet *

So, the twins are essentially in the same exact poses they were in on the cover of Malibu Summer, only in ski suits! Thus, I have nothing more to say about them. Aside from the fact that they look like people I want to punch. Just look at Liz’s face!

“What, Me Study?”

(Originally aired October 3, 1994)

Swooooon! Winston Egbert is so cute, y’all. My friend pointed out to me recently my sudden obsession with Jewish boys, which sneaked up on me. But enough about me. Let’s talk about Jessica being a douche. Again.

#29 – Bitter Rivals

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Everyone sucks on this cover. They all look like griping mannequins, moping/modeling in the window of JC Penney’s. The high-waisted pants are killing me. I HATE how Enid is wearing a near-identical outfit to Liz, although it’s only fitting, since she’s her little lackey. And I can’t believe teens ever dressed like Amy Sutton, that blond ho on the end. She looks like someone’s drunk, yuppie mom at an interior decorator’s party.