“Club X”

(Originally aired November 28, 1994)

Hooray! One of my favorite Bruce Patman/Jessica Wakefield Brat Offs, massacred!

Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

#126 – Tall, Dark And Deadly

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I enjoy how when I forced this novel upon showed this book to my six-foot-seven co-worker, he was like, “Tall, Dark, And Deadly? This book is about me!”

Jessica is a stone fox on this cover. I want her outfit! And who is that corpsey-looking dude in the window, you ask? Why, that’s just Jonathan, the sexy guy who lives alone in his creepy mansion! The back asks, “Is Jonathan a dream guy… or a monster?” He is, in fact, a total babe. I read this back in the day when I was going through my vampire phase, and thus this book was a total turn on.

Yes, vampires. In Sweet Valley High. Specifically falling in love with a Wakefield twin. The series really lost its mind after Margo tried to knife Elizabeth on New Year’s.

#117 – Jessica The Genius

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twin on the left looks a little like Kate Hudson, who, if she were 16, would be oh-so-cute and perfect to play the twins! I take back my Kirsten Dunst answer. And if that’s supposed to be Todd Wilkins in the right corner, someone needs to tell him that his hair is floating up and off his head.

#113 – The Pom-Pom Wars

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I have no idea who’s who. It’s like Jessica Wakefield crawled into Calvin’s duplicator and came out wielding pom poms. Perish the thought.

Seriously: WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?!

#95 – The Morning After

* Photo credit to The Closet *

New covers! This depresses me. First off, the twins ain’t fine enough to be considered the little miracles they have been in Sweet Valley. And what’s supposed to be going on at the bottom? It’s a mess. Who’s that saucy brunette? Is that supposed to be Lila Fowler? That’s quite the emphasized breast. Just so you know, the guy with the jacket slung over his shoulder in the left-hand corner gawking at the teenage hoodlums making out is supposed to be Bruce Patman, and even HE isn’t tasty-looking. This is overturning everything I knew. I’m a traditionalist here.

Not only does this book mark a whole slew of new artwork, but it also marks an official literary hijacking of the Sweet Valley High series. (Did I just use the word “literary” and “SVH” in the same breath? I feel dirty now.) But it’s true – the books are longer and—dare I say it?—better written. I felt like I was reading a real story! I’ve heard rumors that the work of ghostwriter “Kate William” is actually written by a bunch of other ghostwriters; is this book proof?

Improved writing aside, the series sadly gets…weird. It’s still completely ridiculous, but now it’s sort of lost its lightheartedness and gets downright depraved. What I recall from the books I’ve read in the past (and the books I shall bravely once again reread—and I’m not counting the photo covers [cry! I can scarcely believe it]), they’re sort of depressing. The Morning After is no exception. (Furthermore, this is not about the morning after; it’s more like The Week or So After, but I guess that’s less dramatic.)

And now onto the myriad of storylines!

#87 – My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I can’t believe this. Ladies, that dude ain’t even that fine! Actually, I think this is the most unattractive collection of people to ever grace the cover of a Sweet Valley High book all at once. And one of those girls is supposed to be the really hot one.

And now, for the plot of The Truth About Cats & Dogs, I mean, My Best Friend’s Boyfriend…

#86 – Jessica Against Bruce

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Always a fan of the 1970s, I appreciate Jess’ hairstyle — even though this book came out in mid 1992. No, Jess and Bruce Patman haven’t turned greasers, even though Bruce looks one thumb away from pulling a Fonzie. I wish one of them were turned around so we could see the giant honking “X” embroidered on the leather. Why an “X,” you ask? Well, it’s not for target practice.

#69 – Friend Against Friend

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Oh. My dear. This is by far the most homosexual cover on any book in the world that pretended to be straight. Actually—with their intense gazes, strategically placed hands caressing each other, and a caption reading “What’s happening between Neil and Andy?” (not to mention the number of the book)—I’m not so sure this cover is pretending to be straight. And I thought this book was about racism!

Super Edition: Perfect Summer

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I enjoy working under the assumption that the twins are on their bikes still in motion as they strike their respective sassy poses for this cover. I can’t stop staring at their brown tans and white hair. Admittedly, Liz looks pretty foxy. Jess looks young and annoying. Oh wait, she is.