Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Super Edition: Last Wish

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? They’re supposed to be going out in style. At least they remembered all seventeen candles.

#140 – Please Forgive Me

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Mmm. Okay, is that Devon Whitelaw or Todd Wilkins, the two boys who are warring for worthless Liz? Whoever it is, I want to pin him down and bite him on his cleft chin. Yum. So what’s the deal with the title and this cover? Liz looks like the one who should be contrite, but she’s got a look on her face that says, “You should forgive me. Or else.”

Have you ever wished an entire SVH book would be devoted to mountain biking and being at one with nature? Well, population of exactly zero, your dream has finally been realized!

#137 – Fight Fire With Fire

* Photo credit to The Closet *

So on this cover, we have the twins standing around looking bitchy while Lila Fowler reads a letter with eyes the size of a Powerpuff Girls’. What’s with all the mini skirts? Everyone looks like go-go girls.

#136 – Too Hot To Handle

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This cover bores me. The dude looks like some guy Brenda and Kelly would fight over.

#135 – Lila’s New Flame

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s plain to me why Jess looks so disgusted – that’s the worst fucking kiss I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t even explain it; it’s obviously awful. There’s actually much to hate about this cover, in fact. First, it’s a photo cover, which I automatically do not approve of. Second, do we really expect Lila Fowler to be wearing a house dress with apples on it? Third, that guy she’s making out with is Steven Wakefield – my God, even when he’s human, he still looks like a frickin’ robot; just look at that hand on Lila’s waist. Fourth, that’s supposed to be a the Wakefield kitchen. There’s not even a thing in it! Are we really supposed to believe that Alice Wakefield, interior decorator extraordinaire, would put up with the color scheme like that? Fifth, I don’t like Jess’ lipstick with her outfit. Okay, now I’m just nitpicking. OUTRAGE!

Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

#134 – Happily Ever After

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Why do these royal ball gowns look like JC Penney prom dresses? In other news, that prince is sort of foxy. Too bad he’s such a whiner.

#128 – Kiss Of A Killer

* Photo credit to The Closet *

And I thought the lavalieres were over the top. Jonathan Cain is wearing some serious Egyptian bling, for real real. I also don’t like the way his shirt is tucked into his pants. I need to give that boy some fashion tips before that angry mob gets him. First clothing lesson: Don’t wear anything, Jonathan. (I had to go there.)

Now for the conclusion of our vampire trilogy — and this book marks the end to the illustrated covers! ARE EYE PEE.

Magna Edition: Return Of The Evil Twin

* Photo credit to The Closet *

NOVEMBER 1995

A decapitated angel ornament! This is muy serioso. As you can see on the inside cover, a knife-wielding Olivia Newton John is sulking out the door while Liz shakes the corpse of her beloved twin Jessica Wakefield. Only Jess isn’t bloody, she just looks like she passed out of boredom from reading one of Liz’s Oracle articles. You heard me, Liz.

It’ll be downright impossible to suspend belief for this WACKY story, but it’s a requirement if you want to get past the first chapter.