Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 5 – Most Obnoxious Death

Despite its boasts of being a peaceful, safe community, Sweet Valley probably has the highest teen mortality rate in the world. It’s where all adolescents go to die. Obviously, it’s not a matter of why: everyone is so damned annoying that of course people keep trying to off them. Naturally, there’ll be a few retarded demises in the mix. Here, a few contenders:

• Christian Gorman, dead from a fatal pool push
• Some teen runaway, murdered in a sauna by a troll trying to be Alice Wakefield
• Luke Shepard, shot while wearing a wolf mask after terrorizing all of London
• Sam Woodruff, dead because Liz can’t handle her booze while driving
• Amy Sutton’s red-shirt character cousin, drained of blood by a vampire in the middle of a dark, crowded dance floor
• Margo’s demise – do not get me started on how wrong that was on all sorts of levels.

But of course, it’s

Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 3: Best Dead Boyfriend

There are so many to choose from! Between the twins alone, we have Luke Shepard, the dude who thought he was a werewolf and slaughtered half of London. We have James, an accomplice of evil Margo’s whom Jess was hooking up with before Margo shoved him off a pier. We have Christian, the ex-gang leader whose noble pool death made it possible for Palisades High and SVH to live in peace. Then we sort of have vampire hottie Jonathan Cain, who probably doesn’t count because he’s actually undead. I’m sure I’m missing a few. But overall, the Best Dead Boyfriend is:

Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

#137 – Fight Fire With Fire

* Photo credit to The Closet *

So on this cover, we have the twins standing around looking bitchy while Lila Fowler reads a letter with eyes the size of a Powerpuff Girls’. What’s with all the mini skirts? Everyone looks like go-go girls.

Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

Magna Edition: The Patmans Of Sweet Valley

* Photo credit to The Closet *

DECEMBER 1996

Okay, so the top chick looks like Sophie, the Duchess of Edmonton (Bruce Patman’s greatx4-grandmother), and the bottom appears to be Brucey himself, looking a bit like Brendan Fraser, and I don’t know who those other people are. There about five hundred people in this book, it gets crazy. And on the inside cover, we have the aforementioned Sophie giving the well-muscled, hired help an appreciative once over. You and me both, sister.

So much stuff happens in this story! It’s out of control.

Magna Edition: The Fowlers Of Sweet Valley

* Photo credit to The Closet *

NOVEMBER 1996

Hmm. Is that third person down supposed to be a chick or a dude? I really can’t tell. And the redhead is frustrating me because she has no lips.

Okay, so the inside cover. I have no idea who those peeps are in the upper left corner – I’m thinking it’s the gang from the WWI segment. The dude about to French the French maid is definitely do-able. And look! It’s little bebe Lila Fowler, with her mommy, daddy, and her daddy’s near unibrow.

Watch yourself – this one’s a doozy.

#128 – Kiss Of A Killer

* Photo credit to The Closet *

And I thought the lavalieres were over the top. Jonathan Cain is wearing some serious Egyptian bling, for real real. I also don’t like the way his shirt is tucked into his pants. I need to give that boy some fashion tips before that angry mob gets him. First clothing lesson: Don’t wear anything, Jonathan. (I had to go there.)

Now for the conclusion of our vampire trilogy — and this book marks the end to the illustrated covers! ARE EYE PEE.

#127 – Dance Of Death

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It appears we’re on the set of Ten Things I Hate About You. There’s Gabrielle Union and Alex Mack, looking at some dead bitch, while Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger (eep! Come back to life!) look on. That does look a bit like a stairway at the prom, y/n? “I knew this was a set-up!” Teeee. Oh, me.

BTW: I totally want Liz–er, Alex Mack’s dress.

BTW, part two: SVU’s Love, Lies and Jessica Wakefield be damned; this book convinces me that Jess lost her virginity to a vampire.