Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

Magna Edition: Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. II

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Whereas Liz’s diary just confirms that she’s an a-hat, Jess’s diary establishes that she has a soul after all. Sure, she’s arrogant beyond belief (“I have a great body—there’s no point in denying it!”), but that was nothing that we didn’t already know. And Jess’s diary is way, way more fun than Saint Liz’s, which is filled with inner turmoil and obnoxious “How can I cheat on the man I love?” questions.

But enough about that. Here’s a secret diary confession of my own: I LOVED THIS BOOK. For real real, not for play play. There is so much awesomeness to quote.

Magna Edition: Elizabeth’s Secret Diary, Vol. II

* Photo credit to The Closet *

“Open at your own risk” is right — open at your own risk of dying of boredom or over exposure to copious amounts of hypocrisy. Even though this completely needless book resulted in the skim of all skims, I have discerned three things:

1. Elizabeth Wakefield is, in fact, the world’s biggest douchebag.
2. She is aware of this.
3. She doesn’t even care!

Magna Edition: Jessica’s Secret Diary

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jessica’s secret diary – more proof that the “Secret Diary” idea is an abomination.

The inside cover looks like the artist ate the other covers and then expelled the masterpiece you see today.

Magna Edition: Elizabeth’s Secret Diary

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Ew! Why do we need an extreme close-up of fugly-looking Liz from the header? It is truly unnecessary. I enjoy the tagline on the inside: “Everyone thinks Elizabeth Wakefield is Miss Perfect… Only her diary knows the truth!” I guess I don’t count.

#88 – Love Letters For Sale

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I just imagine some little street urchin screaming this title on some city corner somewhere in ye olde England. Liz looks like she’s in her late thirties and holding a Bounty paper towel. Jess looks like she belongs in Laura Bow 2: The Dagger of Amon Ra, which immediately sets me a twitter.

Super Star: Enid’s Story

* Photo credit to The Closet *

DECEMBER 1990

Why must Enid Rollins’ face remind me that of woodland creature? I don’t like her hair pulled back – I demand the return of the fro!

#60 – That Fatal Night

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Ken Matthews looks like a young Jeff Daniels. I wish he were wearing sunglasses to emphasize the ridiculousity of the situation/this book. You’ll see why.

#59 – In Love Again

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Todd Wilkins and Liz look like they’re posing for an engagement picture. Liz looks like a slightly uncomfortable Baby Spice and not a perfect size-six so she can just shove it. Todd is so not sixteen. The two of them together look so boring.

“Todd’s back and Elizabeth’s got him!” the caption declares/taunts/overall frightens. Poor Todd.

#58 – Brokenhearted

* Photo credit to The Closet *

WHY was everyone killing themselves over Jeffrey French when he first moved to town? Look at the guy. He looks like a lesbian. It’s like Ellen and Portia went to Olan Mills and got their portrait taken. Was it seriously so hard to make Jeffrey look, I don’t know, like a dude?

I think I laughed on every page of this heart-tugging tale; everyone’s such a douche.