Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 9: Most Memorable Minority

…Hmm.

There’s Annie Whitman’s stepsister Cheryl, whose only claim to fame was for dating the twins’ brother Steven for fifteen seconds. There’s Jade Wu, the dancer of Chinese ancestry who betrays her old-school family to perform in the talent show and win the adoration of her peers at SVH. There’s Manuel Lopez, who saves the life of his girlfriend but she still won’t tell her prejudiced parents that they’re dating until he’s about to be hauled off to jail. Patty Gilbert did some stuff. But the most memorable minority in the world according to Sweet Valley High is:

Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

#142 – The Big Night

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s the Big Night, y’all! Liz is apparently back in Baby’s arms, smiling and looking lovey with Todd Wilkins again, while Jess looks like she caught a whiff of someone’s booty burp. Why is it impossible for anyone on these covers to wear something attractive? Were the ‘90s really so unfashionable? Don’t answer that.

#141 – A Picture-Perfect Prom?

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Why is Jess wearing all her prom accessories if they’re just trying on dresses in the store? And WHAT is going on with Liz’s hairstyle? I’ve seen toddlers with cuter hair. Then again, toddlers’ moms probably do their hair for them but still. What I’m trying to say is that 1) there’s no reason why Liz should be out in public looking like this and 2) I don’t understand why Todd Wilkins and Devon Whitelaw are in a penis duel to the death over her.

#138 – What Jessica Wants…

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jess looks pretty here, even though she’s dressed like a drunk, Beverly Hills mom. Bwa @ Devon Whitelaw. Look how demurely he’s sitting. I can practically see a halo appearing over his head with a magical “ding.”

Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

#131 – Fashion Victim

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I’ve nothing to really say about this cover. Liz looks cute. Her hand looks like a raptor claw. That’s about it.

#130 – Model Flirt

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jessica’s shoes are atrocious – they’re like, open-toed checkerboards. I can’t think of a single thing that a person can wear with them that would make them look awesome. Speaking of wearing stuff, look at that rack of clothes. All those outfits are supposed to be high-end fashion? Only at the Salvation Army, perhaps. They look like wearable abominations. (Not that I’m knocking the Salvation Army, mind you. Just Flair magazine.)

#129 – Cover Girls

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The first of the photo covers featuring the Daniels twins! Jess is on the left and Liz in her modest daisy number is on the right. This scene has nothing to do with the story.