* Photo credit to The Closet *
Ew! Why do we need an extreme close-up of fugly-looking Liz from the header? It is truly unnecessary. I enjoy the tagline on the inside: “Everyone thinks Elizabeth Wakefield is Miss Perfect… Only her diary knows the truth!” I guess I don’t count.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
So that’s what the cops in Sweet Valley look like. No wonder these kids feel they need to solve crimes on their own. And in the background we see the Wakefield’s Spanish-style home that they’re always raving about. It hardly looks like the type of home the twins need to stop and admire every time they recall their address, but whatevs.
* Photo credit to The Closet *
New covers! This depresses me. First off, the twins ain’t fine enough to be considered the little miracles they have been in Sweet Valley. And what’s supposed to be going on at the bottom? It’s a mess. Who’s that saucy brunette? Is that supposed to be Lila Fowler? That’s quite the emphasized breast. Just so you know, the guy with the jacket slung over his shoulder in the left-hand corner gawking at the teenage hoodlums making out is supposed to be Bruce Patman, and even HE isn’t tasty-looking. This is overturning everything I knew. I’m a traditionalist here.
Not only does this book mark a whole slew of new artwork, but it also marks an official literary hijacking of the Sweet Valley High series. (Did I just use the word “literary” and “SVH” in the same breath? I feel dirty now.) But it’s true – the books are longer and—dare I say it?—better written. I felt like I was reading a real story! I’ve heard rumors that the work of ghostwriter “Kate William” is actually written by a bunch of other ghostwriters; is this book proof?
Improved writing aside, the series sadly gets…weird. It’s still completely ridiculous, but now it’s sort of lost its lightheartedness and gets downright depraved. What I recall from the books I’ve read in the past (and the books I shall bravely once again reread—and I’m not counting the photo covers [cry! I can scarcely believe it]), they’re sort of depressing. The Morning After is no exception. (Furthermore, this is not about the morning after; it’s more like The Week or So After, but I guess that’s less dramatic.)
And now onto the myriad of storylines!
* Photo credit to The Closet *
MAY 1993
The prom! How exciting. I am entrusting that SVH will do this up right. Don’t read a later recap before moving through this quintessential, fictional rite of Sweet Valley passage.
In with A Night to Remember rushes the new covers, logo, and formatting, and let me just say that I am not looking forward to reading numbers #95 to fin because — and get this — they look too damn long. The original books were the appropriate length: not only did they tell the story they needed to tell, but they were redundant enough as it was. I cringed at the thought of reading this story — at a hefty 345 pages — and I was a Lit major.
Anyway, so the reign of original cover artist James Mathewuse is over, and Francine and the gang got someone new to create this masterpiece. I’ve always been annoyed at how the two Jessica pictures are exactly alike on the inside cover. As usual, Todd looks a billion years old. Jess still has her wonky little bangs — some things never die…unlike some characters I know. Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself!
* Photo credit to The Closet *
I like Jess’ sassy stance. She actually looks pretty on this cover. Bitchy, but pretty. The other girl—Andrea Slade—looks dead behind the eyes. She’ll fit right in the Sweet Valley scene.
* Photo credit to The Closet *
Har har – I initially typed Lost at Sex. Not J.Wakefield, that’s for sure.
I’m enjoying Jessica’s drowned rat/raccoon eye look. Actually, her bratty, all-hope-is-lost expression is reminiscent of how I look in a few various photos from family vacations. HOWEVER – I must have a later copy of the book, because on my version, Jessica looks nowhere NEAR as freaking hideous as she does on this version, which is graciously borrowed from The Closet . Holy frig. You know what this reminds me of? When Pepe Le Pew is all hot for the cat, but then the cat falls into the vat of water and looks so unfine, its unreal. That’s Jess.
Note: This book had the potential to be hot and yet went nowhere. I hate when my expectations are dashed. I also hate how I continue to look for sexytime in SVH novels despite knowing better. When will I ever learn?
* Photo credit to The Closet *
DECEMBER 1988
Jess looks as though she’s in mid-burp and Liz looks like she’s been singing “I Honestly Love You” again they stand with looks of mock fear in front of the Bates Hotel. Where’s the lightning streaking across the sky? That’s all this cover is missing.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
The chick in the middle is Kelly Bates, the twins’ nearly identical cousin. You can tell that she’s not Liz or Jess because she’s not sporting The All-Important Lavaliere. There’s not really so much to say about the cover, as it reflects the contents of the book: YAWN.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
I think this is my favorite Sweet Valley High cover, mostly because it doesn’t look like an SVH cover. It looks like the cover for a 1970s movie poster about teen pregnancy. The one with the awesomely feathered hair is Molly Hecht, and I totally think she’s prettier than — dare I say it? — the Wakefield twins. And who are those bitches in the back supposed to be? Whatevs, Molly, you’re better than them.
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* Photo credit to The Closet *
Does anyone actually have framed 8×10 glossies of their significant others like this? Perhaps not. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past Bruce Patman to get his photo taken (in an artsy black and white!) and pass them out to all his admirers. And hang one up in his own locker for good measure.
I was expecting a more glamorous lamp to be in Regina Morrow’s room. Hell, I was expecting a more exciting cover altogether, considering this story has a dead teen in it! Unfortch, it ain’t Liz.
