Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

Super Edition: Last Wish

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? They’re supposed to be going out in style. At least they remembered all seventeen candles.

#143 – Party Weekend

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This is Liz and Jess in their “No more pencils, no more books” outfits as they flee their notorious alma mater. Now, I spend much of this blog hating everything Wakefield, but I’m challenging myself to say nothing but positive things since it’s the last numbered book in the series. However, I fear that what’s to come may be the biggest stretch in fiction since, well, Sweet Valley High.

Super Edition: Mystery Date

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Here we have Olivia Davidson, who is way more attractive in real life than the book covers would allow you to believe. Perhaps it’s because her wild mane isn’t being tamed by a freaking forty-five rpm.

Super Edition: Falling For Lucas

I asked my co-worker what he thought was going on in this cover, and he said, “What do you think is going on?” But really: the more I look at it, I don’t know. Is the female hand hanging up the sign or taking it down? Is the hand belonging to a responsible male (you can tell, ‘cause he wears a watch!) stopping her from putting it up or removing it or is he helping her slide in on the knob, as sensually hanging up a “Do Not Disturb” sign is all part of a SVH teen’s foreplay? Too much mystery.

So who are these young reckless-in-love teens who are about to embark on such a mature act? Why, none other than the Sweet Valley sweethearts Liz Wakefield and Todd Wilkins!

* Photo credit to The Closet *

MARCH 1996

But before anyone gets excited, I’ll just ruin it for you now by saying that this cover is about as misleading as All Night Long (but less mustache-y). I remember reading this a billion years ago and was so pissed that Liz wouldn’t even give Todd an inch for his literally thirteen years worth of patience. Oh, me. If it was anyone else but Liz, I’d actually respect her decisions. But it isn’t so I don’t!

Actually, now that I’m re-looking at the cover, I don’t know if that’s supposed to be Jessica snuggling up to the infamous Lucas. I don’t remember a “Do Not Disturb” sign mixed in with their story line. At any rate, what a multi-useful cover!

#120 – In Love With The Enemy

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jess looks like a young Samantha Jones on this cover. Oh, how I hope she grows up to be like Samantha Jones, but that might be asking a bit much. I like the right side—such West Side Story-esque drama going on! And in black leather! What is happening to that one guy’s back though? It looks like a gray blob is sneaking out of his sassy jacket.

#99 – Beware The Baby-Sitter

* Photo credit to The Closet *

On this cover, we have Daphne Zuniga yelling at some kid while Elizabeth and Todd float in a magical cloud. Overall: YAWN!

#95 – The Morning After

* Photo credit to The Closet *

New covers! This depresses me. First off, the twins ain’t fine enough to be considered the little miracles they have been in Sweet Valley. And what’s supposed to be going on at the bottom? It’s a mess. Who’s that saucy brunette? Is that supposed to be Lila Fowler? That’s quite the emphasized breast. Just so you know, the guy with the jacket slung over his shoulder in the left-hand corner gawking at the teenage hoodlums making out is supposed to be Bruce Patman, and even HE isn’t tasty-looking. This is overturning everything I knew. I’m a traditionalist here.

Not only does this book mark a whole slew of new artwork, but it also marks an official literary hijacking of the Sweet Valley High series. (Did I just use the word “literary” and “SVH” in the same breath? I feel dirty now.) But it’s true – the books are longer and—dare I say it?—better written. I felt like I was reading a real story! I’ve heard rumors that the work of ghostwriter “Kate William” is actually written by a bunch of other ghostwriters; is this book proof?

Improved writing aside, the series sadly gets…weird. It’s still completely ridiculous, but now it’s sort of lost its lightheartedness and gets downright depraved. What I recall from the books I’ve read in the past (and the books I shall bravely once again reread—and I’m not counting the photo covers [cry! I can scarcely believe it]), they’re sort of depressing. The Morning After is no exception. (Furthermore, this is not about the morning after; it’s more like The Week or So After, but I guess that’s less dramatic.)

And now onto the myriad of storylines!

#89 – Elizabeth Betrayed

Coming soon/eventually

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Penny Ayala and her perpetual headband look all pissed off, but I can’t imagine why, because she’s not even around for the drama that goes down. Elizabeth doesn’t look that upset, considering she’s just been betrayed. Olivia Davidson is wearing an outfit that would be better suited on a Unicorn in the SVH Twins series, and her forehead is of RIDIC proportions.

So Elizabeth’s betrayed. Please try to imagine that I care.