“Stolen Diary”

(Originally aired December 12, 1994)

Today’s cautionary tale addresses what happens when you leave Jessica Wakefield alone and up to her own devices for too long.

“Secrets”

(Originally aired November 14, 1994)

I couldn’t find a picture from this episode — who wants a picture of Enid having problems anyway? — so I’m just posting a picture of Jess being sassy.

#85 – Soap Star

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This cover bores me! It has me once again wondering why everyone thinks the Wakefield girls are so hot. And that guy — Brandon Hunter, soap star extraordinaire — is supposed to be a heartthrob. NERD! He ain’t fine. And I disapprove of the shape of his hair.

The caption queries, “Will fame ruin Jessica?” as if to suggest Jessica hasn’t already be ruined by some preexisting force.

#84 – The Stolen Diary

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Oh, dear. What is this nonsense? Could Jessica or whoever the hell this is on the cover (…Elizabeth?) have any less emotion? This robot was obviously built from the Steven Wakefield model. I’m envisioning that twin talking like they do in this vid. And does anyone actually have diaries that look like that?

#72 – Rock Star’s Girl

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I like Jess’ sassy stance. She actually looks pretty on this cover. Bitchy, but pretty. The other girl—Andrea Slade—looks dead behind the eyes. She’ll fit right in the Sweet Valley scene.

#70 – Ms. Quarterback

* Photo credit to The Closet *

What’s weird is if you look closely, you can see an outline of a short, boyish haircut atop Claire Middleton’s head – perhaps a shorter style was used in the original artwork and then vetoed for being too lesbianesque? I vote a huge YES.

#58 – Brokenhearted

* Photo credit to The Closet *

WHY was everyone killing themselves over Jeffrey French when he first moved to town? Look at the guy. He looks like a lesbian. It’s like Ellen and Portia went to Olan Mills and got their portrait taken. Was it seriously so hard to make Jeffrey look, I don’t know, like a dude?

I think I laughed on every page of this heart-tugging tale; everyone’s such a douche.

#37 – Rumors

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This was one of the few SVH books I’d saved from my youth, and I have no idea why. I think maybe I did so because there was a hot (and sad!) redhead on the front. And let me just say that this probably one of the most boring SVH titles to date. Couldn’t every book in the series be called Rumors?

#17 – Love Letters

We have a feathery-haired redhead—Caroline Pearce—who doesn’t look so foul, although she does look a bit cross-eyed and her shirt is buttoned up to heaven. And screw Liz, who’s lingering around her in hot pink pants with a suspicious expression. Please don’t let me be overwhelmed by Liz Hate today. I just don’t have the strength.

#11 – Too Good To Be True

AUGUST 1984

Oh, my goodness – there’s so much to love/hate about this cover. Suzanne is a real grade-A piece of work. She’s so laughably self-absorbed (and has disturbingly long fingers)–it’s Snow White’s wicked stepmother’s antics all up in here. She doesn’t even do vain things like this in the story—she’s just a crazed beeyotch! And I love Liz’s face—she’s like, “Did you just fart?” Why does she have L-shaped hair?

Note: Get used to these covers—the ones where Liz is hovering around a minor character, looking condescending or sympathetic. Shun. Liz hate.