“Stolen Diary”

(Originally aired December 12, 1994)

Today’s cautionary tale addresses what happens when you leave Jessica Wakefield alone and up to her own devices for too long.

Super Edition: Last Wish

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? They’re supposed to be going out in style. At least they remembered all seventeen candles.

Super Edition: Mystery Date

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Here we have Olivia Davidson, who is way more attractive in real life than the book covers would allow you to believe. Perhaps it’s because her wild mane isn’t being tamed by a freaking forty-five rpm.

#128 – Kiss Of A Killer

* Photo credit to The Closet *

And I thought the lavalieres were over the top. Jonathan Cain is wearing some serious Egyptian bling, for real real. I also don’t like the way his shirt is tucked into his pants. I need to give that boy some fashion tips before that angry mob gets him. First clothing lesson: Don’t wear anything, Jonathan. (I had to go there.)

Now for the conclusion of our vampire trilogy — and this book marks the end to the illustrated covers! ARE EYE PEE.

#127 – Dance Of Death

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It appears we’re on the set of Ten Things I Hate About You. There’s Gabrielle Union and Alex Mack, looking at some dead bitch, while Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger (eep! Come back to life!) look on. That does look a bit like a stairway at the prom, y/n? “I knew this was a set-up!” Teeee. Oh, me.

BTW: I totally want Liz–er, Alex Mack’s dress.

BTW, part two: SVU’s Love, Lies and Jessica Wakefield be damned; this book convinces me that Jess lost her virginity to a vampire.

#126 – Tall, Dark And Deadly

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I enjoy how when I forced this novel upon showed this book to my six-foot-seven co-worker, he was like, “Tall, Dark, And Deadly? This book is about me!”

Jessica is a stone fox on this cover. I want her outfit! And who is that corpsey-looking dude in the window, you ask? Why, that’s just Jonathan, the sexy guy who lives alone in his creepy mansion! The back asks, “Is Jonathan a dream guy… or a monster?” He is, in fact, a total babe. I read this back in the day when I was going through my vampire phase, and thus this book was a total turn on.

Yes, vampires. In Sweet Valley High. Specifically falling in love with a Wakefield twin. The series really lost its mind after Margo tried to knife Elizabeth on New Year’s.

Magna Edition: Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. II

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Whereas Liz’s diary just confirms that she’s an a-hat, Jess’s diary establishes that she has a soul after all. Sure, she’s arrogant beyond belief (“I have a great body—there’s no point in denying it!”), but that was nothing that we didn’t already know. And Jess’s diary is way, way more fun than Saint Liz’s, which is filled with inner turmoil and obnoxious “How can I cheat on the man I love?” questions.

But enough about that. Here’s a secret diary confession of my own: I LOVED THIS BOOK. For real real, not for play play. There is so much awesomeness to quote.

Super Thriller: A Killer On Board

* Photo credit to The Closet *

JULY 1995

Jessica’s stomach looks weird around her waistband. Is that supposed to be horror reflected on the twins’ faces? They look like they’re trying to feign astonishment at a surprise party in their honor. And just who is the fox with the knife? Why, none other than murderous psycho John Marin! Yes, he’s back, you guys! Talk about persistence.

#111 – A Deadly Christmas

My, what a beautiful fire…

* Photo credit to The Closet *

OCTOBER 1994

…made only more beautiful as it creeps toward a Wakefield twin. Why is Jessica wearing such a horrible outfit? And why do her legs look like they’re levitating?

So the back cover inquires, “Is Jeremy the man of Jessica’s dreams—or her nightmares?” Based on the fact that Jess is about to be burnt to a crisp on the front cover and this book isn’t called Happy Lollipop Christmas, I’m gonna have to go with nightmares!

#109 – Double Crossed

* Photo credit to The Closet *

That witch is super hot. Way too be hot to be kissing that Arabian GOON; I don’t support it. And there’s Jess – looking way too innocent to be Jess – dressed as a genie. (In case you couldn’t tell, it’s Halloween in Sweet Valley.)