Super Thriller: “R” For Revenge

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I showed the inside pic of hot cheerleaders bound and gagged to my co-worker, who exclaimed, “Hey! They can’t show that on book covers!” Har.

Magna Edition: Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. III

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jess is super pretty on this cover. However, on the inside, we see all sorts of scenes that never happened in this book, like Jess and Liz running from the law, Bruce Patman giving Jess daisies (as if) and…LIZ canoodling with some dude by the pool. That’s definitely Liz. Why is she on the inside flap of Jess’s diary.

Ugh. This one’s so boring, you guys. I have about five sentences to say about it.

#131 – Fashion Victim

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I’ve nothing to really say about this cover. Liz looks cute. Her hand looks like a raptor claw. That’s about it.

#130 – Model Flirt

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jessica’s shoes are atrocious – they’re like, open-toed checkerboards. I can’t think of a single thing that a person can wear with them that would make them look awesome. Speaking of wearing stuff, look at that rack of clothes. All those outfits are supposed to be high-end fashion? Only at the Salvation Army, perhaps. They look like wearable abominations. (Not that I’m knocking the Salvation Army, mind you. Just Flair magazine.)

#129 – Cover Girls

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The first of the photo covers featuring the Daniels twins! Jess is on the left and Liz in her modest daisy number is on the right. This scene has nothing to do with the story.

Magna Edition: The Patmans Of Sweet Valley

* Photo credit to The Closet *

DECEMBER 1996

Okay, so the top chick looks like Sophie, the Duchess of Edmonton (Bruce Patman’s greatx4-grandmother), and the bottom appears to be Brucey himself, looking a bit like Brendan Fraser, and I don’t know who those other people are. There about five hundred people in this book, it gets crazy. And on the inside cover, we have the aforementioned Sophie giving the well-muscled, hired help an appreciative once over. You and me both, sister.

So much stuff happens in this story! It’s out of control.

#114 – “V” For Victory

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This is one of the worst SVH covers I’ve ever seen, including the ones where Liz looks like a condescending ho. That blond girl is our focus point yet we get the back of her head—why? Me thinks the artist frakked up the face and didn’t have time to do anything but paint MOAR HAYR and call it the back of her. Shun. The title in the weird, needless block of yellow is beyond unattractive… What was the art department thinking? Maybe they were all like, “We went to the U-of-Arts, and all we’re doing is making SVH covers. All hope is lost.”

#113 – The Pom-Pom Wars

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I have no idea who’s who. It’s like Jessica Wakefield crawled into Calvin’s duplicator and came out wielding pom poms. Perish the thought.

Seriously: WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?!

#111 – A Deadly Christmas

My, what a beautiful fire…

* Photo credit to The Closet *

OCTOBER 1994

…made only more beautiful as it creeps toward a Wakefield twin. Why is Jessica wearing such a horrible outfit? And why do her legs look like they’re levitating?

So the back cover inquires, “Is Jeremy the man of Jessica’s dreams—or her nightmares?” Based on the fact that Jess is about to be burnt to a crisp on the front cover and this book isn’t called Happy Lollipop Christmas, I’m gonna have to go with nightmares!

#92 – She’s Not What She Seems

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Something about this cover tells me I’m going to be reading a story about a secret bitch, a Suzanne Devlin, if you will, who was also not what she seemed and was downright too good to be true in fact! Something about this cover also tells me that Jessica just recently did a couple bong rips and underwent a lobotomy that was enacted with a rock and a sharp stick. LOOK AT HER FACE.

A warning: THIS BOOK GAVE ME ANXIETY!!!1