Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 5 – Most Obnoxious Death

Despite its boasts of being a peaceful, safe community, Sweet Valley probably has the highest teen mortality rate in the world. It’s where all adolescents go to die. Obviously, it’s not a matter of why: everyone is so damned annoying that of course people keep trying to off them. Naturally, there’ll be a few retarded demises in the mix. Here, a few contenders:

• Christian Gorman, dead from a fatal pool push
• Some teen runaway, murdered in a sauna by a troll trying to be Alice Wakefield
• Luke Shepard, shot while wearing a wolf mask after terrorizing all of London
• Sam Woodruff, dead because Liz can’t handle her booze while driving
• Amy Sutton’s red-shirt character cousin, drained of blood by a vampire in the middle of a dark, crowded dance floor
• Margo’s demise – do not get me started on how wrong that was on all sorts of levels.

But of course, it’s

Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 3: Best Dead Boyfriend

There are so many to choose from! Between the twins alone, we have Luke Shepard, the dude who thought he was a werewolf and slaughtered half of London. We have James, an accomplice of evil Margo’s whom Jess was hooking up with before Margo shoved him off a pier. We have Christian, the ex-gang leader whose noble pool death made it possible for Palisades High and SVH to live in peace. Then we sort of have vampire hottie Jonathan Cain, who probably doesn’t count because he’s actually undead. I’m sure I’m missing a few. But overall, the Best Dead Boyfriend is:

Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 2: Saddest Sack

Winner: Enid Rollins

Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 1: Most Hard-Up, Poor Bastard

Winner: Todd Wilkins

Elizabeth Worth or Mary Wakefield? They Both Suck

Someone in the 1bruce1 community had me laughing at the premise of the comic strip “Mary Worth” being like, Liz at age 65. So true!

I don’t think she’s going to keep it that way.

“It’s wrong!” Classic Liz. Shut up, Mary.

And in my Mary Worth hunt (which I never thought I’d partake in), I found a snarky Mary Worth blog! Who knew? There’s really something for everyone in this world.

Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

#143 – Party Weekend

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This is Liz and Jess in their “No more pencils, no more books” outfits as they flee their notorious alma mater. Now, I spend much of this blog hating everything Wakefield, but I’m challenging myself to say nothing but positive things since it’s the last numbered book in the series. However, I fear that what’s to come may be the biggest stretch in fiction since, well, Sweet Valley High.

#141 – A Picture-Perfect Prom?

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Why is Jess wearing all her prom accessories if they’re just trying on dresses in the store? And WHAT is going on with Liz’s hairstyle? I’ve seen toddlers with cuter hair. Then again, toddlers’ moms probably do their hair for them but still. What I’m trying to say is that 1) there’s no reason why Liz should be out in public looking like this and 2) I don’t understand why Todd Wilkins and Devon Whitelaw are in a penis duel to the death over her.

#139 – Elizabeth Is Mine

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This cover is truly LOL-worthy. This the worst posed fight scene evs. I love how Jessica is so into tearing Devon Whitelaw off Todd Wilkins. She’s really putting her back into it. Devon looks short and is dressed like my brother. If I were Devon and saw Todd’s face looking like that, I’d want to punch him too.

In other news, this book’s number and title rhyme!

#138 – What Jessica Wants…

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Jess looks pretty here, even though she’s dressed like a drunk, Beverly Hills mom. Bwa @ Devon Whitelaw. Look how demurely he’s sitting. I can practically see a halo appearing over his head with a magical “ding.”