Sweet Valley High Slam Book Award 9: Most Memorable Minority

…Hmm.

There’s Annie Whitman’s stepsister Cheryl, whose only claim to fame was for dating the twins’ brother Steven for fifteen seconds. There’s Jade Wu, the dancer of Chinese ancestry who betrays her old-school family to perform in the talent show and win the adoration of her peers at SVH. There’s Manuel Lopez, who saves the life of his girlfriend but she still won’t tell her prejudiced parents that they’re dating until he’s about to be hauled off to jail. Patty Gilbert did some stuff. But the most memorable minority in the world according to Sweet Valley High is:

Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

Super Edition: Last Wish

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? They’re supposed to be going out in style. At least they remembered all seventeen candles.

#141 – A Picture-Perfect Prom?

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Why is Jess wearing all her prom accessories if they’re just trying on dresses in the store? And WHAT is going on with Liz’s hairstyle? I’ve seen toddlers with cuter hair. Then again, toddlers’ moms probably do their hair for them but still. What I’m trying to say is that 1) there’s no reason why Liz should be out in public looking like this and 2) I don’t understand why Todd Wilkins and Devon Whitelaw are in a penis duel to the death over her.

#137 – Fight Fire With Fire

* Photo credit to The Closet *

So on this cover, we have the twins standing around looking bitchy while Lila Fowler reads a letter with eyes the size of a Powerpuff Girls’. What’s with all the mini skirts? Everyone looks like go-go girls.

#136 – Too Hot To Handle

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This cover bores me. The dude looks like some guy Brenda and Kelly would fight over.

#135 – Lila’s New Flame

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s plain to me why Jess looks so disgusted – that’s the worst fucking kiss I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t even explain it; it’s obviously awful. There’s actually much to hate about this cover, in fact. First, it’s a photo cover, which I automatically do not approve of. Second, do we really expect Lila Fowler to be wearing a house dress with apples on it? Third, that guy she’s making out with is Steven Wakefield – my God, even when he’s human, he still looks like a frickin’ robot; just look at that hand on Lila’s waist. Fourth, that’s supposed to be a the Wakefield kitchen. There’s not even a thing in it! Are we really supposed to believe that Alice Wakefield, interior decorator extraordinaire, would put up with the color scheme like that? Fifth, I don’t like Jess’ lipstick with her outfit. Okay, now I’m just nitpicking. OUTRAGE!

Magna Edition: Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. II

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Whereas Liz’s diary just confirms that she’s an a-hat, Jess’s diary establishes that she has a soul after all. Sure, she’s arrogant beyond belief (“I have a great body—there’s no point in denying it!”), but that was nothing that we didn’t already know. And Jess’s diary is way, way more fun than Saint Liz’s, which is filled with inner turmoil and obnoxious “How can I cheat on the man I love?” questions.

But enough about that. Here’s a secret diary confession of my own: I LOVED THIS BOOK. For real real, not for play play. There is so much awesomeness to quote.

#119 – Jessica’s Older Guy

* Photo credit to The Closet *

To the left, we have the twins standing with blond Zach Marsden, the older guy mentioned in the title, and Ian Cooke, the latest member of Liz’s fan club, who looks like how Winston Egbert probably does, but does Winston ever get on an SVH cover? Nooo. Also, Liz stops going to college classes, so you can ignore the right half of this cover.

#118 – College Weekend

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Clearly the twin in the slutty mini skirt on the left is Jess, and it’s Liz who’s in the right-hand corner, drinking tea with the pedophile. I also get the impression that Sweet Valley University is boring, especially if these two dudes are the best that the twins can rally up.