Super Edition: Aftershock

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’s just too weird to be reading the last Sweet Valley High book. No Senior Year or University for me, so the end is more than nigh for me. I must say, I’m impressed with the stamina I showed in reaching my goal. I have done what I set out to do, even if it meant sacrificing a few brain cells in the process. Finally, I can read real books and be smart again. And, I can now say with no hesitation and full authority, “That is the stupidest story I ever heard—and I’ve read the entire Sweet Valley High series.”

Super Edition: Earthquake

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator… Also, is that Ken Matthews in the lower left corner? He looks… well, sixteen, which is a shock for the series that likes to take thirty-year-olds and pass them off as high schoolers. Just like Grease!

Super Edition: Last Wish

* Photo credit to The Closet *

The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? They’re supposed to be going out in style. At least they remembered all seventeen candles.

Super Edition: Jessica Takes Manhattan

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Muppets be damned!

On another tip, that dude looks greasy.

Magna Edition: The Patmans Of Sweet Valley

* Photo credit to The Closet *

DECEMBER 1996

Okay, so the top chick looks like Sophie, the Duchess of Edmonton (Bruce Patman’s greatx4-grandmother), and the bottom appears to be Brucey himself, looking a bit like Brendan Fraser, and I don’t know who those other people are. There about five hundred people in this book, it gets crazy. And on the inside cover, we have the aforementioned Sophie giving the well-muscled, hired help an appreciative once over. You and me both, sister.

So much stuff happens in this story! It’s out of control.

Magna Edition: The Fowlers Of Sweet Valley

* Photo credit to The Closet *

NOVEMBER 1996

Hmm. Is that third person down supposed to be a chick or a dude? I really can’t tell. And the redhead is frustrating me because she has no lips.

Okay, so the inside cover. I have no idea who those peeps are in the upper left corner – I’m thinking it’s the gang from the WWI segment. The dude about to French the French maid is definitely do-able. And look! It’s little bebe Lila Fowler, with her mommy, daddy, and her daddy’s near unibrow.

Watch yourself – this one’s a doozy.

Super Edition: Falling For Lucas

I asked my co-worker what he thought was going on in this cover, and he said, “What do you think is going on?” But really: the more I look at it, I don’t know. Is the female hand hanging up the sign or taking it down? Is the hand belonging to a responsible male (you can tell, ‘cause he wears a watch!) stopping her from putting it up or removing it or is he helping her slide in on the knob, as sensually hanging up a “Do Not Disturb” sign is all part of a SVH teen’s foreplay? Too much mystery.

So who are these young reckless-in-love teens who are about to embark on such a mature act? Why, none other than the Sweet Valley sweethearts Liz Wakefield and Todd Wilkins!

* Photo credit to The Closet *

MARCH 1996

But before anyone gets excited, I’ll just ruin it for you now by saying that this cover is about as misleading as All Night Long (but less mustache-y). I remember reading this a billion years ago and was so pissed that Liz wouldn’t even give Todd an inch for his literally thirteen years worth of patience. Oh, me. If it was anyone else but Liz, I’d actually respect her decisions. But it isn’t so I don’t!

Actually, now that I’m re-looking at the cover, I don’t know if that’s supposed to be Jessica snuggling up to the infamous Lucas. I don’t remember a “Do Not Disturb” sign mixed in with their story line. At any rate, what a multi-useful cover!

Magna Edition: Return Of The Evil Twin

* Photo credit to The Closet *

NOVEMBER 1995

A decapitated angel ornament! This is muy serioso. As you can see on the inside cover, a knife-wielding Olivia Newton John is sulking out the door while Liz shakes the corpse of her beloved twin Jessica Wakefield. Only Jess isn’t bloody, she just looks like she passed out of boredom from reading one of Liz’s Oracle articles. You heard me, Liz.

It’ll be downright impossible to suspend belief for this WACKY story, but it’s a requirement if you want to get past the first chapter.

Super Thriller: A Killer On Board

* Photo credit to The Closet *

JULY 1995

Jessica’s stomach looks weird around her waistband. Is that supposed to be horror reflected on the twins’ faces? They look like they’re trying to feign astonishment at a surprise party in their honor. And just who is the fox with the knife? Why, none other than murderous psycho John Marin! Yes, he’s back, you guys! Talk about persistence.

Super Thriller: A Stranger In The House

* Photo credit to The Closet *

JUNE 1995

I asked my co-worker what he thought of this cover, and he said the cover itself was nothing to write home about – “It’s the second page that really makes it happen.” (LOL @ him.) Then he had the wise observation: “Who gives glass to someone in jail?” And while we’re at it, staples…and thumbtacks… And I sincerely doubt that a guard would let an inmate decorate his jail cell as such and then no one’s allowed to nail this guy for stalking once he’s out and terrorizing the family. Psh.

I also think that the clown on this cover – psychopath John Marin – looks like he should be posing on some sexy birthday card purchased at Spencer’s. Well, if it weren’t for the nasty, evil look on his face. And the clothes.